Soldier's Ambition - An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
Twas the night before Christmas At The White House - Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House, Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse. The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there. As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed, dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head. And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed, had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed. When out in the garden came a plethora of noise, all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys! Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash, "It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!" The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow, gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer. With a big House leader, all lively and fat: He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT! As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came, and Bill recognized them and called them by name. "Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!" A collective cheer rose out from the crowd, "Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!" Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer "Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!" When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot, as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit. He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand, and when all was silent, he did a keg stand. And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer, and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare. As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room, the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom. "We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!" "More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!" And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines. They cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!" So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap, and they took turns sitting on the President's lap. And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn, and awoke in the morning without their pants on. And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear. While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer. Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute, President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt. Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots, "A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"
Bad eyes - A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Odd Wedding Gifts - 100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich") globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic :-) silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)
No Hemorrhoids - Why don't men get hemorrhoids? Because they are all perfect assholes!
Bee Sting - A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor." One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
Grandma's peanuts - A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
Fun Quotes - ---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
Refrigerator Evidence - Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Blonde on computer - How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer? White-out on the screen! How can you tell she's made the corrections? She wrote over the white out!
What do you call a dog... - What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles? SPARKY!!!
Between Two Brunettes - Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
Interview with a Pirate! - The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
The New Hunter - It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
YMCA - What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign?? LOOK!!! They spelled MACY's wrong!!!!